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What is Love?

The Very Reverend Sam G. Candler
The Cathedral of St. Philip
Atlanta, Georgia
7 September 2008 – Proper 18A

…The one who loves another has fulfilled the law. The commandments,
“You shall not commit adultery;
You shall not murder; You shall not steal; You shall not covet;”
 and any other commandment, are summed up in this word,
“Love your neighbor as yourself.”
 …Love is the fulfilling of the law.”

--Romans 13. 8-10

We have heard this before.

We have all heard about love before. We even know we will hear about when we come to church, or when we read the bible. It is no surprise to hear the preacher say, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

At one of my bible studies this past week, we pondered this great passage from St. Paul’s Epistle to the Romans. Love, he says, is the fulfilling of the law. All the great commandments—you shall not steal, shall not murder, shall not covet—they are all summed up in love. Love is the fulfilling of the law.

And then one person asked a question that I really appreciated. It went something like this, “This is all well and good, this stuff about love, but it is also rather general and speculative. But what does it really mean to love? How do we actually love in our daily routines and actions? What is love?”

Suddenly, my mind flashed back to where I was just last week. I was staying in a little guest house in Linville, North Carolina, where I had been invited to preach last Sunday. Perhaps you know guest houses. At some point during my stay in any guest room, or guest house, I always have to glance at the books on the bookshelves. They are usually a motley set of old mysteries and airport paperbacks.

But there on that old bookshelf in Linville, I spotted a book that was so famous about forty years ago. It was the book by Erich Segal called Love Story. What a tear-jerker that book was so long ago. It was made all the more famous by a one-sentence definition of what love. That one-sentence definition was argued about for years after the book. Essentially, the two lovers are so close in that book that their love goes beyond words. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry,” one of the characters reminds the other.

Does love mean never having to say you are sorry? Well, not in my marriage! For me, love means having to say I am sorry, over and over again!

What is love? Does love mean learning and following every precise commandment in the bible? What do we make of the long Old Testament passage assigned for today’s service, from Exodus 12? Many people really do want, really do need, some sort of rigid code that shows us how to love. Here is what you should in such and such a circumstance. Here is what you do in another situation.

Does love mean being stern with members of your community who have erred? That is the direction given to us in today’s gospel passage from Matthew 18. If someone in your church has erred, take that person aside and correct him or her privately. If they fail to amend their ways, then take along two or three others from the church. If they still fail to respond, then kick them out of the church. Let them be to you as an ostracized Gentile or tax-collector. Is that what love is?

In our culture and in our time, we struggle with more immediate challenges to love. Does love mean buying the most expensive birthday present we can afford for our lover? Does love mean letting that entire long line of traffic merge into your lane in front of you?

Does love mean sending your loved one into a rehabilitation clinic, or to some special school? Does love mean putting together an intervention? Does love mean waiting for marriage and life-long commitment before serious sexual activity? Does love mean having a dollar in your pocket for the Atlanta pan-handler?

The practical application of love means many things in our day and time. It is a challenge to capture the essence of practical love in one special definition. In fact, it may not be a good idea to try to capture the essence of love in some overall guideline. For our human condition is such that, once we have a definition of love, we think we have mastered it. Our temptation is that, once we know what love, maybe we will not have to worry with it any more!

Despite that danger, it is good to keep trying to answer the question—in bible studies, churches, homes, and families every day. It is our search for the essence of love that keeps us striving for its practical application.

So, today, I offer three aspects of love. These aspects are not the entire definition of love, but they are three important aspects.

What is love? For one, love is the application of other virtues besides love. I think of that beautiful verse from Paul’s Epistle to the Philippians; chapter four, verse eight. “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Change the words “think on” to the words “act on,” and we have a decent definition of the loving thing to do on a daily basis. “Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, pleasing, commendable, excellent: do these things and you have done the loving act.”

Secondly: Love also means finding someone who shows us love, and then staying as close to that person as you can, for all your life. I am blessed this weekend to be celebrating my wife’s birthday. She has certainly shown me love. Love means staying close to people who love.

That’s why the essence of Christian love consists in staying close to Jesus Christ—not in memorizing a bunch of rules and ordinances which we rigidly adhere to the rest of our lives. Those codes of conduct can be helpful. But, ultimately, love is not a slogan, or an easy answer. Instead, love is actually a habit.

Yes, love is habit. That is the third aspect of love. Love requires discipline and will power.

Let me illustrate by using one of my favorite questions in the Book of Common Prayer. The question occurs on page 424, during our service for the blessing of a marriage. In the early minutes of the service, the priest must determine mutual consent. The two members of the couple must declare that they are getting married of their own free will.

Thus, the question goes like this: “Will you have this man (or woman) to be your husband (or wife); …will you love him, comfort her, honor her, keep him, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?”

This is not the marriage vow, mind you, this is the declaration of consent. And the answer is one of the most important commitments in all of life. The answer is “I will.”

The love of marriage, like the love of any other human relationship, is a matter of will. Love is a habit; it is a matter of will.

We like to say, of course, that we “fall” into love. And we often do. That is a wondrous experience. In the same casual way, we also use the word “love” to explain all sorts of strange behavior. “Why did you drive 1000 miles to see that girl?” my parents asked me. “Well,” I answered, “I was in love.”

Unfortunately, “love” is also given as a justification for wrong behavior. “Why did you leave your wife of 30 years?” I have asked men. “Well,” they say, “I was ‘in love.’”

Too often, we treat love as if it is an accident, something like a stray arrow from Cupid that just happens to pierce us and intoxicate us. On the religious side, we treat love as if it is an easy slogan, repeated so many times that it becomes meaningless. Yeah, yeah, we remember, love your neighbor.

When St. Paul says love is the fulfilling of the law, he does not mean that the laws are overturned. He does not mean that when we love, we are free to break every other law. He does not mean that we act irresponsibly.

Love is a habit. It requires freedom of choice, and it requires will. Love is the habit of good will.

Habits take practice. Love takes practice. And each of us, each of us needs a team and coach, for practice. We need a community team, trusted leaders, to show us—over and over again—what
love is.

Thus, the practice of love happens in all sorts of places. It happens at these bible studies which we have emanating from the Cathedral these days. It happens on mission trips—to Tanzania and to the city homeless shelters. It happens at family dinner tables—but you have to show up. The practice of love even happens at staff meetings of your business. Yes, even there! But you have to be there with a spirit of good will and honor.

Love is a matter of will.  The loving thing, the loving act, is always present—right there—right there before us. But it is our habit of good will that prompts and enables us to choose the loving act.

When we have made that loving choice, an amazing thing happens. Suddenly, we are no longer concerned about every jot and tittle of the law. We are no longer worried about rigid codes and laws. For, in the moment of true love, in the moment when we have chosen the loving action, we have fulfilled the law of the universe. We have fulfilled God’s purpose for all of humankind. We have willed—and chosen—the good, the beautiful, and the true.

AMEN

The Very Reverend Samuel G. Candler
Dean of the Cathedral of St. Philip

Comments? Contact Dean Candler at: SCandler@stphilipscathedral.org

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